buy one buttcheek, get one free

How have I never heard of a Brazilian Butt Lift before?

Thankfully this coupon came in the mail yesterday. I must be on the "females with flat butts in Indianapolis" mailing list. Now I can quit doing lunges and squats at the gym and just get my own fat re-injected into my rear. Fabulous. That's not gross at all.

would the electrician please report to the sausage stand

That's a direct quote heard over the loudspeaker at the Italian Street Festival a few weeks back.

While I applaud the efforts and enthusiasm of the Italian Heritage Society, the Italian neighborhood in Indy just doesn't compare with the Little Italy of Boston or New York. I can forgive subpar gravy. I can forgive mediocre meatballs. But I cannot forgive frozen cannoli. There's no excuse for that. Ever.

Regardless, it was a lovely evening. Perfect weather and a great chance to practice picture-taking. And, it inspired me to try making my own gravy from scratch one Sunday evening. Thirty tomatoes and three hours later... phew. It's not as easy as you might think, folks, trust me. I'd give you the recipe, but you know... then I'd have to knock you off.

woman vs. wild

The chipmunks had to be stopped. They were cute last year, bounding across the backyard, popping their furry little faces up out of the grass.

Then, they dug a tunnel into the garage, churning up a pile of dirt so high it covered the lawn mower gas cans. Then, they developed a massive subterranean labyrinth through our yard. They dug through my bell pepper plant, unearthing it entirely. Then they started in on the flower beds, as evidenced by exhibit A below.


Like I said, they had to be stopped. What follows can be classified as inhumane. Call me Hitler, because that's who I feel like. I hope PETA is not reading.

Exhibit B, below, is an invention of my father's: a utility bucket filled with water; a few handfuls of floating birdseed; and a convenient onramp. In short, a death trap for chipmunks. I don't think I need to tell you how it works.

This morning, I found not one but two furry little creatures doing the dead man's float. God forgive me.